D Is For Danger Toddler
Where do I start with one of my best friends in the industry? Do I start with his ability to navigate any situation with a level of audacity that most people could never pull off? Or what about the fact that he’s a pocket rocket with as much strength as four oxen? I mean, he can slam a revolving door for crying out loud. Or… what about the fact that he gave Mona Lisa her smile? No one seems to be talking about THAT little nugget.
But… the one thing that separates him from any male (or any human for that matter), is his insatiable appetite for the female race. In his own words:
“I don’t have a bucket list, but my fuck-it list is a mile long”.
You can see why he’s dangerous.
Anyway, there is just too much to say about Mikey aka the Danger Toddler but let’s first tell you how he got his name.
Mikey is no taller than 5ft 6, which, in the fitness game, makes him far far inferior (haha – he hates that we unabashedly mock him at every opportunity about that little gem). No one quite knows his age, but we all reckon he’s in his fourties. But the real joke is that he doesn’t look a day older than 30 (hence the Toddler section of his nickname). How he got the Danger alias is for a variety of reasons, mainly attributed to his height, which, when questioned or mocked, he suddenly turns into Hitler’s arsehole, and you will be lying on the floor seeing tweeting birds.
He’s dangerous, he’s cheeky, and he can get away with almost anything.
Here are just a few of his best escapades:
1) Danger once pretended to be a DJ (with literally no music experience), just so he could go on tour with a famous socialite in Ibiza. He sold everything, gave all his clients away, got paid thousands, thought he pulled it off until Spotify outed him, thoroughly embarrassed he flew home, then came waddling back into the gym with his tail between his legs.
2) Managed to worm his (and our) way into the exclusive private tents at Wimbledon. Many Dom Perignon’s later one of our crew finds himself in one of the Men’s singles dressing rooms being confronted by the tennis player! An encounter for the next book for sure.
3) Not phased by the fact that a new trainer at the gym could give Katie Price a run for her money on the cosmetic surgery front, Mikey’s XX chromosome tunnel vision kicked in and soon found out that he was staring at the end of a STD scare, a night that would cost him 1000’s, and the daylight ribbing action he would experience the following day…from us.
4) Waist trainers, EMS units, and shit that shakes you within an inch of your life under the guise of getting you ripped doesn’t work. We know this, Danger knows this, but one of the other trainers in the gym seemingly doesn’t know this. When we find a weird octopus like contraption in the staff room it is the perfect opportunity for Danger to find out who’s it is, and why it’s in the gym. Upon realising that it has in fact been used as a sexual aide, Danger’s disdain turns to intrigue. Cue Sherlock Toddler and Danger Watson.
I’m pretty sure I could write a whole book about Danger and his escapades, and for those of you who have read Behind Gym Doors you’ll realise why, but to those who haven’t, well, you just need to know that the Quagmire of the fitness industry – Danger – is an enigma to us all, and even after all these years of knowing him, we still can’t figure him out.
Anyway, go buy Behind Gym Doors…
And get to know the boob hungry he-pony himself.
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